Another dose of enlightenment: Observations of a traveling American (Views on little known International cultural phenomenons) Part 2

Another dose of enlightenment...

Wednesday, 26 March 2003

Well, I have officially been living in Scotland for 3 months now. I leave on Tuesday for London, then Paris, then back to London, then hopefully (please please please please) to Venice. If that doesn’t work out, Sarah, I’m coming to Prague and then on to Moscow.

Also, I have cleaned my last Scottish toilet today! I have hung up my housekeeping dress. (I will spare you any more of those observations about how the rich of Britain can not seem to have bowel movements in the toilet, but on every piece of linen I have to wash.) Only 5 more shifts to go! Anyhoo...

...here’s some more brain candy...

 1. Childhood memories are the means to bring around world peace - here Danger Mouse is the bond that brings us together. Come on! If Penfold, DM, Baron Von Greenback, and the occasional Banana Man skit doesn’t bring us together, who will? Ok, maybe Super Grover and Guy Smiley, but those are my last hopes.

 2. The residents of the UK are addicted to soap operas and campy gay men. If you follow either of those ideas, you will have a hit show. Ok, that or reality TV in ANY FORM. Believe me, I have got sucked into watching a show called the Salon. Yes, they film the daily ins and outs of a beauty salon, and I watch it. (remember those years when I stopped watching tv? I did it because I know I have a weakness for this crap!)

 3. I have tried and failed to understand cricket, and I admit I am a lesser person for it.

 4. Kiwis are the most patriotic people I have met. Don’t insult them, their country, or their black and orange socks. They will try to bite. Worse yet, they jimmy open your door at night and "body slam" you. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

 5. I thought I feared crazed soccer fans, until I met rugby fans. Don’t insult their team. I was kidding with an Irish guy I met earlier this year (a fan of the Irish Munster Rugby Team) that "I really admire Munster for it’s brazen individuality, mainly in reference to its orange rind." He didn’t find it a funny joke and I was purchased a plethora of Munster paraphernalia and forced to watch multiple games after that. They aren’t violent, they are passive aggressive, and that is even worse.

 6. I know this is hackneyed, but the Scots have a huge phobia of dentists, dental hygienists, and toothbrushes (tho toothpaste is in every bathroom). My god! These people have no teeth! And Caitlin, I hate to tell you this, but NONE of them speak like Sean Connery. Whoever stereotyped the Scottish accents as sexy was VERY VERY mistaken. Sean and Ewan are genetic freaks. Also, they don’t say "lassie" to describe a female, its "wifey." Sweet.

 7. Dirty jokes are the quickest way to bring a room together. It is insane how everyone has something to contribute once the first dirty or vulgar joke is told.

 8. Tom Jones is the Welsh National treasure.

 9. I hate to admit this, but I love haggis.

 10. Puff, puff, give is not internationally recognized.

 11. Marmite, Vegimite, and Bovril. Learn them, you will have to choose. Wars will be fought over these yeasty treats someday. You think I’m joking, just ask get an Aussie, a Zimbabwean, and a South African in a room and ask that question. (hmmm... I gave them all a fair shot last night... I have gotten to the point where I can open the jar without gagging.)

 12. The rest of the world has missed out on some of the most important elements of our culture: The Kids in The Hall (ok, I know that isn’t ours to claim), old SNL, Iron Chef (hey, we dubbed it), Space Ghost, old Conan O’Brien (I will marry Andy Richter), The Dark Crystal, The Last Unicorn, Orgazmo, So I Married An Axe Murderer, and so much more! No wonder they all hate us so much! No one has yet explained our insanity to them. Don’t worry, Michael Moore and I have begun to break em in. I have the Scots singing Brak’s "Don’t Touch Me."

Ok, must continue packing...

Over and out...